They're Out to Get Me!

I hate bugs, insects, arachnids and any other creepy crawlies. Yes, I get that they have their jobs on this planet (I've seen the "It's Tough to be a Bug" show at least ten times at California Adventures), but if they continue to be intruders in our home then this is WAR.

I know that there are differences between the correct term to describe these species from hell, but I have forgotten fourth grade science so I will just use "bug" from here on out.

Right after signing our lease, the man with the rental company asked us if we knew about the bugs here in Texas. He said, "Here's a neat trick. Take a flashlight at night and shine it through the grass. Those little lights you see are the eyes of all the spiders."

I have a lot of bug stories. Here are a few that I can remember:

Story 1: My grandmother once forced me to drink one of her herbal soups. I told her that I had found numerous red gnats in it, but she thought I was just lying because those soups were absolutely disgusting and I always complained about drinking them. Luckily, my mother checked out my story and we ended up pouring it down the sink when she wasn't watching.

Story 2: When I was getting undressed for the shower once, a spider lowered itself right down in front of my face. After killing it, I found another one waiting for me inside the shower.

Story 3: Without fail, a pincher bug always crawls out on the floors of our guest bathroom at least one a week. The typical protocol is to pick it up with some toilet paper and then flush it down. One time I returned to find that one had survived a watery death by swimming up until I flushed it again.
Story 4: While taking a practice AP test in my senior English class, I felt something itchy under my shirt. I reached in and felt something wet. I pulled it out and it was a giant cockroach! I flung it to the floor and, surprisingly, did not scream. We were taking a test, after all. I just watched it squirm on its back and waited for class to end.

Story 5: The Hubby and I were heading onto the elevators at a hotel. The Hubby noticed that a large beetle flew into the one people were loading on so we decided to wait for the next one. As the first car was closing, the beetle flew out. We quickly entered onto the second car and as that one was closing, it flew in. We were trapped in the elevator with a flying beetle for the longest three floors up ever.

Story 6 (the incident that spurred this post): As I was letting Bella out through the back door yesterday, I saw a big black bug scurry across the floor towards her back paw. I quickly let her outside and went to find something to trap it with so that The Hubby could take care of it later. But then it disappeared...until it showed up again inside my shirt.

I had felt something itchy near my right armpit. Typically, when I feel an itch on my body it is due to my long hair brushing against my skin, but this time it felt different. I grabbed at it and out fell a bug onto my leg and onto the floor after I batted it down.

And you know what I did? I shouted, "YOU'RE DEAD (*mothereffer*)!" and smashed it with my shoe without hesitation. The Hubby examined it and determined that it was something called a Regal Jumping Spider.

Needless to say, I immediately took a shower after making The Hubby examine for spider bites and also asked him to spray bug deterrent all around the windows and entrances to the house.

Disgusting picture of giant furry spider ahead. Turn away if you are squeamish.


Rebecca said…
holy crap. i felt things crawling on me all yesterday
Spencer said…
hahahahahaha this entry is so unpleasant to read but the "YOURE DEAD MF" made it all worth it. i imagined you acting like samuel l jackson.

maybe you have some kind of bug affinity. all you need is some kind of chemical/nuclear/toxic reaction and youd become batmans latest nemesis. bug lady
Spencer said…
oh dude. the flashlight in the grass thing is so damn disgusting. can you try it and see if he was just kidding? if it turns out to be true, do you part in the war on bugs and cover your yard with concrete